I just tortured a spider to death.
I didn't just squash it into a pain-minimising instant toilet-paper ball of death, I tortured it. I don't know how it happened... but it was traumatising.
Now, before you get all "YOU KILLED ONE OF GOD'S CREATURES" on me, I would like to point out that God did not create the spider. Nowhere in the Bible does it mention the spider and it mentions the cow, the serpent and all the other animals that Noah transported on his Arc.
I think God made the Earth and all the animals and plants, turned his back for five minutes and then things like spiders just materialised fully formed to mess everything up. By the time God came back from his Seventh Day Siesta, Adam and Eve were already off gallivanting in the woods.
So then God was like, "Oh crap... guess I can't do anything about it now!"
And that was the birth of the spider.
Anyway... back to reality...
So I woke up randomly and walked into the bathroom. I sat down (why do people even bother standing up?), and scuttling across the bath was an enormous, ugly, disgusting, venomous spider of doom.
I am not exaggerating.
I almost screamed in horror, clasping my hands over my mouth like a safety mechanism. The spider was vile - but, I saw an opportunity. Instead of going to hassle of balling up some toilet-paper, and attempting to hunt down and get within inches of this evil force of reckoning, and pounce on it like it was a prized tiger in the wild - I decided to use the elements against it.
I drowned it.
Pushing the bath taps to full velocity, the spider was overwhelmed by waves of water. He fought bravely against the tide, but the current was too strong. He crumpled up under the water (ew), and swirled down the drain.
Problem solved... or so I thought.
Getting up several hours later, I decided to wake up properly with a nice shower. So I walked into the bathroom, and what did I find?
That's right - the spider; exactly where I had left it, as though the previous incident had never even happened. The spider leered at me; taunting me with its superior survivability skills. I mean seriously - if I had been trampled by that scale of water I would not have survived.
This is greater evidence to the fact that spiders are evil.
I don't know where the thought came from... but at that moment - I snapped. I turned to the sink to see what greater force I could use to destroy this foul beast.
What I did next was possibly the most cruel thing I have ever done to another living thing in my life, because as I turned to the sink, I happened upon a giant bottle of Listerine.
Listerine, for those who don't know, is a dental mouthwash with the acidity of... something really REALLY acidic. To hold it in your mouth for more than 30 seconds is to do permanent damage to the inside of your mouth.
I poured it over the spider.
I wasn't in a sound frame of mind at this point, I had just got up, and the spider had it coming! It TAUNTED me for God's sake. But I hadn't really thought about what would happen if I did this...
The spider put up a good fight at first, not realising the difference between water and pure acid, knowing only that "liquid = bad". But as the effects of the Listerine began to set in, it was clear that the spider was not prepared for this alien substance.
At first he tried to skate against the surface of the pool of blue liquid, but with eight legs who did he think he was kidding? He fell body-first into the mouthwash, and did not completely emerge. His legs kicked furiously against it, willing himself to get away from the hell I was inflicting on him. And then the only movement I could see were from two legs, still above the Listerine, twitching madly. The spider was having a fit.
It was actually disturbing.
And it still wasn't dead.
I began to realise how much I was torturing this fiend even though he totally deserved it. I also realised that if I had just been strong enough to man-up, and kill him with a ball of toilet-paper, that this whole event would have been over with.
The situation I had put myself in to avoid the brutal kill was in fact much worse.
The damned spider refused to give up. Seriously. He had more lust for life and will to survive than a country full of emo teenagers.
Finally, I gave in. I had to put him out of his misery.
I drowned him again, but this time there was no surviving.
I had won.
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